How to Use Connection Time with Your Child to Create Positive Change in Your Child’s Behavior

Whether you are a working parent or a stay-at-home parent, we wanted to share our favorite parenting strategy that can help with many challenging behaviors… It’s called Connection Time.  Caregivers have seen improvement in their child’s overall behavior when they dedicate 10- 20 minutes of Connection Time with their child daily.

You might be wondering how a simple strategy is so effective.  As parents and early childhood specialists, we know that every family is different.  Each family has unique needs and raises children with various temperaments, strengths, and challenges.  What is similar among all children is the desire to connect with others; and the need for a sense of belonging, according to Viennese psychiatrist, Alfred Alder (Nelson et. al, Positive Discipline, 2019).  This is called secure attachment: relationship bonds filled with safety, authenticity, and loving presence.  Children naturally seek this connection with their caregiver because it creates a healthy relationship.

This blog will cover the benefits of Connection Time and how to be Mindful in these moments with your child.  We outline steps to use during connection and how to tailor this time depending on your unique needs in your family.  Connection Time is a great place to start with your child when experiencing challenging behaviors, experiencing developmental milestones, or family transitions (moving, new school, new sibling, potty training, etc.)

Fill Your Child’s Invisible Piggy Bank 

A child’s emotional piggy bank is a metaphor for building positive interactions with the children in our lives (Joseph and Strain, Building Positive Relationships with Young Children, 2019). Your child is experiencing emotional piggy bank “deposits” and “withdrawals” daily.  Examples of piggy bank “withdrawals” include getting asked too many questions, being given too many directions, being ignored, avoided, or overly corrected.  As humans, these withdrawals will happen and is a part of life.  When children are demonstrating challenging behaviors more often, these piggy bank “withdrawals” are happening more often.  In turn, parents can focus on creating positive interactions that are viewed as “deposits” into a child’s emotional piggy bank that strengthens their relationship with their child.  Every child is unique and their emotional needs differ, but there are some general positive interactions that caregivers can “deposit” into their child’s piggy bank.  Activities that add “deposits” into a child’s piggy bank include child-led play, actively listening to them, giving them choices, high-fives, hugs, snuggles, and letting them lead.  Incorporating these activities into Connection Time will help fill your child’s emotional piggy bank.  When these interactions occur regularly, are age-appropriate, given limits, and genuinely enjoyed, it has a positive impact and helps fill their emotional piggy bank each day.

Quality over Quantity 

There are many moments when parents are naturally connecting with their children and building a strong and loving relationship.  One of the most important ways to deposit into your child’s piggy bank is with quality time so that you can focus on genuine ways to connect with your child.  During Connection Time, there are different ways that parents can intentionally help their children feel connected based on their child’s individual needs.  The first thing you want to do when creating intentional connection time with your child is to think about who your child is.  What are their favorite activities?  What makes them feel happy?  What are their interests?  Taking time to reflect on this will help you know what you to incorporate into Connection Time so that your child will feel a true connection because you are showing genuine interest in what they enjoy the most.  

Next, ask your child what they want to do during this special time.  Giving your child this choice can be very powerful because they typically don’t have control over many aspects of their lives and are often being told what to do.  This is not only fun for children but also meets their needs and shows them that you trust them enough to let them take the lead.  Let your child know what activities are possible (or not possible) ahead of time is helpful.  Remember, Connection Time is all about quality over quantity.  It takes 10-20 minutes a day to help your child feel this connection and fill their emotional piggy bank. 

Tips for Creating Connection Time 

1. Set a timer  for 10-20 minutes and stick to the time:

   Prep your child ahead of time by letting them know the plan for connection time.  Say something like, “I’m so excited to have special time with you and me!  I will set a timer and we can play, when the timer goes off we will end our game.”

2. Be fully present:

   Put your phone away and all distractions so that during this time you can focus on your child.  

3. Follow your child’s lead:

   Remember, give your child the opportunity to be the leader in the family which they often do not experience.  There are always boundaries/rules placed around letting your child lead, so you can go over these before play starts if needed.

4. Play like how they like to play:

   It is very meaningful for a child when their caregiver plays the way they like to play.  

5. Ask simple questions:

   Children are asked questions to test their knowledge many times throughout the day.  Connection Time is low-stress and should be free from any complex questions or lecturing.  

6. Let your child know when the special time is ending and when they can expect it again:

   Say, “It was so fun playing trucks with you!  It’s time for me to start dinner, I can’t wait to have special play time with you tomorrow.”  This allows your child to understand they will be able to connect with you again soon and that you enjoyed your time playing with them.  

Incorporate Connection Time into your Routine

Connection Time is a very powerful tool that supports your relationship with your child, reduces challenging behavior and helps your child build confidence and independence skills over time.  If you are experiencing challenging behavior, regressions or change/transition with your child, Connection Time is the first strategy we recommend starting with them.  

Want to see more examples of Connection Time and how to support your child through challenging moments?  If you haven’t yet, follow us on Instagram and be sure to sign up for our weekly newsletter too!  For customized support, schedule a FREE consultation HERE. 

References:

Joseph, Gail E., and Philip S. Strain. "Building Positive Relationships with Young Children." Https://Challengingbehavior.Org/, 26 Jun. 2019, challengingbehavior.org/docs/building-positive-relationships-with-young-children.pdf. Accessed 8 May 2023.

Nelson, Jane, et al. Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. 4th ed., Harmony Books, 2019.