Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child
Have you ever wondered: Is my child like other children? Why does my child seem to have a more challenging time than all the other kids? If you ask these questions more often than not, you may be a parent of a strong-willed child.
I remember when I was at the end of my pregnancy, and I wondered what my son’s personality would be like. I remember looking at toddler clothes I had received from a friend, and I was so excited to meet him, and I couldn’t imagine his personality. As he grew during that first year of his life, I could tell very early on that he was an adventurous little one. Social, full of energy, curious, and always on the move. He had strong emotions and was very aware of feelings at a young age, even if he didn’t understand them. I’ve worked with many strong-willed students, but parenting a strong-willed child was a new experience. Then, a few years ago, I discovered the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It is a fantastic book that helps parents understand their children, understand themselves, and parent children who are More. What I love most about this book is her ability to help parents understand their children’s strengths even when the behavior is challenging. She coined the term spirited to highlight the unique qualities of these children, even when parenting a spirited child is hard. In this post, we will cover four tips for parenting a strong-willed child and highlight some important takeaways from the book Raising Your Spirited Child.
Temperament Matters
If you walk into a kindergarten classroom, you will see a variety of personalities right away. First, you will see the children sitting quietly without eye contact. Then you will see children who say hello to you immediately asking, “Why are you here, and what are you doing?” Next, some children are loud and excitable, while others take time to warm up. Finally, there are the “easygoing” children and the children who are more “passionate” or have big reactions. Temperament is a person’s way of being, their nature - how they typically behave in various situations. Author Mary Sheedy explains that temperament is a child’s first and most natural way of reacting to the world around him. It “governs how sensitive we are to sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and the emotions of others.” Understanding our child’s temperament can help us understand why children behave the way they do at certain times and how our children interact with others and react in certain situations. Different individual temperaments influence a child’s reactivity and self-regulation. Mary Sheedy explains that there are five characteristics that a Spirited Child possesses: Intensity, Persistence, Sensitivity, Perceptiveness, and adaptability.
Changing Our Perspective
As caregivers, we can change how we view our child’s reactions to specific people or situations by understanding how much their temperament is coming into play. For example, it can be challenging if your child refuses to put on her shoes when leaving the house because they struggle with transitions or scream for 20 minutes (or longer) when someone takes away their favorite toy. Strong-willed children have qualities of their temperament that can be difficult to parent now but later have strengths that can serve them well as adults. However, parenting a strong-willed child (when their abilities to self-regulate or be flexible seem nearly impossible) is no easy feat. As a caregiver, you may feel like your child is trying to be difficult or get their way. Children often struggle with their ability to cope with the frustration that comes with their temperament. Your child isn’t trying to give you a hard time; they are having a hard time. Shifting our perspective of a strong-willed child can help us understand what is going on so we can help teach them the skills they need.
Teach Your Child the Skills to work through challenging Moments
Understanding a child’s temperament can help caregivers teach new skills more effectively. For example, if a child struggles with transitions, create a plan to help them get through it. You can prepare your strong-willed child ahead of the transition so they know what to expect and allow them to process a change that will happen and talk through their emotions.
As a parent of a strong-willed child, you can benefit from creating a plan to feel more confident during those challenging moments. In addition, it can feel less stressful when you have a better idea of how you will respond when your child struggles. Children may still have difficulty transitioning, experiencing something new and different, experiencing big feelings, or working through a boundary. When strong-willed children are learning these skills, they often push back. Stay consistent while being gentle with yourself and your child. These skills take time. Check out our other blog posts for tips to help your child transitions here and our free transition resource here.
Create Partnerships to Gain Cooperation
To gain cooperation with your strong-willed child, reassure them that you are on your team and teach them to become problem solvers. For example, if your child doesn’t like to end screen time, teach them to make a plan with you for another time. In this scenario, the child does not choose when they have screen time, but they are a part of the planning process. When they are having a hard time, you can hold a boundary while still letting your child know you are on your side and can solve the problem together. You can maintain boundaries (essential in parenting) while still finding ways to say yes without giving up authority.
Creating a partnership with your child starts with connection. Strong-willed children often hear “no” more, are corrected often, and can be labeled difficult. We can fill our child’s emotional piggy bank daily through positive deposits. We can plan 1:1 time with our child for 10-15 minutes throughout the week to create quality bonding time. There are other simple ways to connect with children each day. Find moments to share a connection through kind gestures that are genuine. For example, a gentle touch on the shoulder, a sweet compliment, noticing (and sharing what you saw) when they are working hard. Tell them how they are unique and why you love them. These a just a few ideas of how to connect with your child and fill their emotional piggy bank. These quick and positive deposits go a long way, especially when strong-willed children are often getting deposits taken out of their emotional piggy bank more often than children who are “easygoing.” The key is to be genuine, even in these small moments. It is meaningful and can benefit children with challenging behaviors because they know you are on their team.
For additional resources and information, here is the link for the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy. If you would like more direct support and information on parenting strong-willed children, email us with any questions you have, or schedule a FREE consultation HERE. We offer customized support to help each family’s individual needs and create tools and resources that support your family.
